Uncertain.

The other night it hit me. Everyone is leaving. My sister is moving for 4 months & then is probably going back to school. My best friend is moving to go to Bible college in the fall. One of my best guy friends is moving to WA in June for school. One of my other friends in moving for the summer.
They are all leaving.
They have plans.
A goal in their life.
& I am here. Without a clue.
I don't know what I should be doing and where God wants me.

I definitely feel like school is not my calling, & I do have the strong desire to be married & have kids. But as of now I am single, & I know marriage won't be for a while.
Where does He want me? What is His will for my life?
I feel so lost & confused. I don't want to waste my life and get stuck in this cycle of life. Just doing the same thing day after day. I want to do something that will better the Kingdom and glorify His name.

I mean I go to work and church. I volunteer when I can. I hang out with my friends. Nothing exciting. I feel like I am not making the impact on this world that I could be. Yes, when I do things I do them to the best of my ability and do them for His glory. But I feel like I could be doing so much more.

I know in time He will show me, it just takes patience. But my human nature keeps taking over and I want to know. In time.

Done with the motions.

So today on my way to work I was thinking about everything that has happened in the last month or longer and all the time I wasted on something so meaningless. Something that made me happy, yet it didn't better the Kingdom. Not that what happened was sinful or something, but I wasted almost 3 months and I wasn't fully focused on God. 

While I was thinking about this, the perfect song came on the radio. The Motions by Matthew West. Here are the lyrics that hit home.

I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day

without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,

"What if I had given everything,

instead of going through the motions?"

And I realized that during those 3 months I was just going through the motions with Christ. Giving my all to this relationship that ended in disaster and heartbreak when Christ was longing for my all.  I am so glad I realize that now and I now want to stop going through the motions and what His consuming passion to be inside of me at all times. 

The amazing thing is, is that even though I wasn't consuming myself with Christ during that time I know God can put me right back on track and He is longing to take me back. 

Now, I am definitely not saying that I turned my back on my faith. I just wasn't putting Christ in the center of my life, and I know if I had been doing that my eyes would have been opened to the things that were happening. 

So even though my heart was broken, I am now turning this into something that can be used for God's glory. I am done going through the motions. My life is going to be consumed in His passion and desire to help this lost world. I want every area of my life to glorify Christ and to better the Kingdom. No matter what the cost. He gave His all and I want to give my all back to Him even though it is nothing compared to the gift He gave. I am forever grateful. 

Not torn down.

I really wish you would stop acting like you are the victim. I wasn't the one who lied about everything. I was the one who was hurt. You may have lost me, but that is nothing compared to what I have been through.

I also wish you would stop pretending like everything is back to normal. They aren't and won't be for a while. So show some emotion and deal with this. You running away and hiding behind your excuses is doing nothing. 

Stop using the things people have said about contacting me to not fix things. Use your head. I do need to hear your reasons for doing everything you did. Everyone knows that. So man up and do that. 

You are such a fool. The more I think about it, the more I realize how blinded I was. You did not treat me at all with respect and or as if you cared for me. How could I have been so dumb!? Or better yet how could you have been so dumb!

I don't think I am some amazing girl who deserves the world, but I do deserve more than you gave me. I am still human and have emotions. You can not still walk all over me and have control over me. 

I poured my heart into that relationship only for you to take everything I was giving and give nothing back.

How many times did I wait for you? Looking like a fool in the whole.

How many things did I pay for? You did take us out a few times, but I can assure you that I paid for more things. How many times did we use my car? How many times did I miss things with my friends for you? I changed my work schedule so we could be in a Bible study together. 

So many things, and I am only starting to realize them now.

My heart is still sad, but that sadness has started to fade and it is starting to turn into anger. How could you have done this to me? I didn't and don't deserve it. No one does. It makes me angry that you won't even respond to explain the things I need to understand. That is the very least you can do for me. Yet, you haven't done and the dare to say that you just don't understand the female mind. You do understand. Stop playing dumb.

I know you haven't changed, so this is it. I am done with you. We will never be together ever again. Maybe a long way down the road we could maybe be friends. But I can never be friends with a liar. You have been given time to change. You have lost your friends as well as your girlfriend, and yet you continue  destroying your life and the people in it. You are a fool and I have no clue what it will take for you to change. I have been praying for God to break you and for you to turn from your ways and start fresh. That's all I can do. 

This is my fresh start. I am not broken. I am healing.