Healing.

God has been really working on my heart over this past week. He has been healing me and changing my desires. Even though it has been almost 3 weeks since my heart was broken, I can feel God comforting me in ways I never could have imagined. He has been speaking to me wherever I am at. He is so amazing it kind of blows my mind. 

I have been asking God to help me not hold any bitterness towards what happened and He has been faithful with that. Even though I am sad and I go through moments on anger, I have never been bitter about it. I know that God is in ultimate control and He has a purpose for the whole situation. That brings me so much comfort that I am almost calm about the whole situation. 

Tonight during worship we sang Better Is One Day and some of the lyrics hit me. 

My heart and flesh cry out

For You, the Living God

Your Spirit's water to my soul

I've tasted, and I've seen

Come once again to me

I will draw near to You

And it's so true. Even though the whole situation is completely awful and no one deserves it, my heart and flesh still cry out for God. I want to draw near to Him! More and more each day! The things life throws at me just make me want to get closer to Him and learn more about Him. What He suffered through is far worse than what I have gone through and will ever go through!

 

Also during worship Psalm 97:1-6 came to mind

"The Lord reigns, let the earth rejoice; let the many coastlands be glad! Clouds and thick darkness are all around Him; righteousness and justice are the foundation of His throne. Fire goes before Him and burns up His adversaries all around. His lightnings light up the world; the earth sees and trembles. The mountains melt like wax before the Lord, before the Lord of all the earth. The heavens proclaim His righteousness, and all the people see His glory."

When this came to mind it hit me, even though I already knew it. But God is in ultimate control and He cares so much for me. He reigns over the earth and tells it what to do. The mountains melt like wax because of His glory. What an image that is! Remembering that made me realize that I need to surrender this whole situation over to Him. Completely and for good. I can't change anything, I can only move on and continue to live for His glory. 

So this week has been an amazing week where God has showed me His steadfast love and amazing power. I am still humbled to think He would save someone like me, and yet I know His love for me is endless. That brings comfort to my heart and hope for the future. 

Broken down.

I never thought it would end. I honestly thought this was it, it would last forever. 

& if there was any thought in my mind as to how it would end, I never imagined it would end like this. 

My heart hurts so much. I can't even describe it. I have been mourning for the past 2 weeks over how it all came to a close. It was actually more of like a slamming shut. 

Everytime I hear my phone ring I hope it's you.

Everytime my phone vibrates, I hope and wish it's a text from you.

I still wish we could go out together after work. 

I wake up everyday hoping it didn't end. 

That it was all a nightmare.

& everyday my heart hurts just a little more. 

I never experienced the phrase of feeling so alone when you're surrounded by people until now. 

There are so many times when you come across my mind through the day. 

Out of habit I have wanted to contact you, but know I can't. 

I hate having to cut things out of my life because they remind me of you. 

I hate that I can't call you up and hear about your day and tell you about mine. 

It breaks my heart. 

I honestly don't know why my heart still longs for you. After everything you did and yet I want to be with you. I have been praying and pouring over the Word to find comfort in Him and He has started to heal me. I know it is going to be a long road and I don't want to start on the journey. I want to go back. Back to when things were honest and carefree.

My heart knows that you and I will never be like how we were. & that's one of the things that breaks my heart the most. I want to be apart of your life so much yet I feel like you didn't want me. I feel broken. Part of me wants to tell myself that over and over again so that maybe my brain will accept it and  let me cut you out of my life. Yet I can't bring myself to do it, even though that's how I truly feel. That you didn't want me. 

My mind never stops thinking about that awful night and everything that lead up to it. I know God will give me the peace about the results of that night one day, and I am hoping it's soon. 

I am praying for you. Don't ever forget that. 

Lost.

I am in a state of complete and total confusion. I don't know what to do and I don't know how to handle what's going on right now. I keep asking God to show me and give me wisdom on how to handle it, and yet I still feel lost. I know He is there and I know He will show me and it will work out.

I feel like I am being giving a million different opinions that I don't know who's to take and act out. Everyone wants me to listen to them and they all want me to pick a side. I can't choose. Why can't both sides just work together? Why do I have to choose? Can't they see that it just makes me happy. 

Why? Why? Why?

I know I just need to trust. Trust in Him and it will work. God will show His power and might to me in a marvelous way. 

Why is that so much easier to say than to actually do? I wish I had faith like a child. I get so caught up on the little things that I don't let God work. Well, He works. I just don't let myself see Him work. I blind myself. I'm blinded by others.

Lord open my eyes, let me see You. Help me Lord. I can't do this on my own.