Broken down.

I never thought it would end. I honestly thought this was it, it would last forever. 

& if there was any thought in my mind as to how it would end, I never imagined it would end like this. 

My heart hurts so much. I can't even describe it. I have been mourning for the past 2 weeks over how it all came to a close. It was actually more of like a slamming shut. 

Everytime I hear my phone ring I hope it's you.

Everytime my phone vibrates, I hope and wish it's a text from you.

I still wish we could go out together after work. 

I wake up everyday hoping it didn't end. 

That it was all a nightmare.

& everyday my heart hurts just a little more. 

I never experienced the phrase of feeling so alone when you're surrounded by people until now. 

There are so many times when you come across my mind through the day. 

Out of habit I have wanted to contact you, but know I can't. 

I hate having to cut things out of my life because they remind me of you. 

I hate that I can't call you up and hear about your day and tell you about mine. 

It breaks my heart. 

I honestly don't know why my heart still longs for you. After everything you did and yet I want to be with you. I have been praying and pouring over the Word to find comfort in Him and He has started to heal me. I know it is going to be a long road and I don't want to start on the journey. I want to go back. Back to when things were honest and carefree.

My heart knows that you and I will never be like how we were. & that's one of the things that breaks my heart the most. I want to be apart of your life so much yet I feel like you didn't want me. I feel broken. Part of me wants to tell myself that over and over again so that maybe my brain will accept it and  let me cut you out of my life. Yet I can't bring myself to do it, even though that's how I truly feel. That you didn't want me. 

My mind never stops thinking about that awful night and everything that lead up to it. I know God will give me the peace about the results of that night one day, and I am hoping it's soon. 

I am praying for you. Don't ever forget that.