I want to be radically different.

Last Sunday in class we were discussing our purpose in this world and how God has a plan for each of our lives, but when it all comes down to it the purpose is the same. Our purpose in this world is to go out and make disciples of ALL nations. No matter what the cost. 

One of the girls in the class said that we need to be cautious how we approach people about the Word. We don't want to seem like we are shoving it down their throats. But then my sister said something that really hit the nail on the head. 

We claim that the Lord is the most important thing in our lives and that the Bible is the absolute truth. The Bible clearly states that all who do not believe in Him will perish and go to Hell. They will die and will forever be in a world of suffering. Millions of people are lost and if we aren't going out and sharing His word with them, they are going to Hell.

Soooo why are we so concerned about offending people?! Who cares if they are offended! This is the most important message they will ever hear in their whole entire life, whether they believe it or not. We claim to be friends with people and we say that we agree to disagree about our faith with them because we don't want to lose them as a friend. But when you think about it, we value their friendship more than we value them. If we truly loved them we would do whatever it took to share our faith with them. 

I am guilty of doing this and it makes me so frustrated that I continue down this path. Why am I not taking every opportunity I have to share His love and word with people? People in foreign countries don't have the luxury of meeting together freely to worship and hear about His word. Here in America we are free to believe and say pretty much anything we want.

Why am I not taking the doors He opens for conversations with people? 

David Platt talks about this in his book, "Radical". I think everyone should read it. After reading it and going through that lesson on Sunday, I have realized that I am not being a radical believer. I am simply sitting in a church service and "soaking it all in". I am sick and tired of that. I don't want to look back at this life the Lord has given me and realized how much I wasted. I want to be running towards my Jesus, sharing His name along the way. 

This 

is 

my 

purpose. 

Here. For now.

So the time has finally come for the send offs to begin. The first left this past Friday, my sister leaves the 11th, and my best friend leaves the 19th. Then it's just me left here back home.

When I first realized that literally everyone was moving away, I was sad and I am not going to lie I was jealous. Why couldn't I go somewhere? I mean I could if I truly wanted to, but for some reason I didn't feel the calling to pursue something. The thoughts faded as time passed but then when everyone started getting ready to leave I began thinking about it again.

Should I pick up and move somewhere? Where would I go? What could I do there?

Then everyone kept telling me that I need to get out of this town, pick up and leave, this town is so awful, I am never going to find a husband here, there are no opportunities here, and on and on. 

I don't totally disagree with everything that they said. But when it came down to it, I feel like I am supposed to be here in Vegas. Yes other states are probably alot better than here. But just because they are all moving doesn't mean I have to. There are lost people here, just like there are all around America and the world. If I can't minister to my hometown how am I supposed to go into another state and do it? 

& to be honest, I think alot of the people who have told me to pick up and move think I am not thinking about my future and that I am just living day by day. But in all actuality I think about my future every single day. I want to make the right decisions and make sure that I am pursuing God's plan for my life. I know they want what's best for me, but that's not their decision. God has a plan for me and He will show me. 

I am for sure not opposed to moving away, but as for this moment in my life I know I am right where God wants me. I'm hoping they see that too. 

Bitterness.

A few Sundays ago we were talking about bitterness and how the way we treat others effects our relationship with the Lord. Automatically I thought that this message didn't apply to me and that it was just a good thing to know and remember for the future blah blah blah.

Then I really thought about it. I was holding onto bitterness in my heart. Bitterness over what happened 6 months ago. I hadn't really truly forgiven him. Yes, what he did was completely awful but I had no right to be bitter towards him. Too be honest, I was shocked. I hadn't thought about it, I was just living day to day and not truly acknowledging what had happened and my emotions had been bottling up inside me.

I was holding onto this bitterness and it was preventing me from truly getting close to the Lord. I knew right then and there that I couldn't get closer to the Lord without letting it go. Forgiving him for what he did. Realizing the Lord had it under control. I knew the Lord couldn't and wouldn't use me to my full capability if I didn't let this go. 

So since then I have been working on letting it go. Can I just say it has been harder than I thought? I thought that it was going to be a piece of cake. It had been 6 months since it happened, I haven't seen or talked to him in that long, & he is rarely a topic of conversation. Easy right? Yeah, wrong. I have thought of him every single day since that Sunday. All the memories we had together, the inside jokes, everything came flooding back. I know it's the enemy just trying to tear me down and bring bitterness in my heart. 

Part of me still questions why he did what he did when it wasn't called for. But I know I need to come to the point where I stop asking that question. Because as of right now, I don't have that answer and I probably won't get that answer ever. Besides, it is such a petty thing to be entertaining my mind. I shouldn't be focused on what happened, I need to be focused on my relationship with the Lord and sharing His love with the world. 

I always let distractions like this get in the way of getting closer to the Lord. Not intentionally, but somehow they always come up and I usually end up feeling like a fool. 

I think it is going to be a bit of a journey until my bitterness is gone, but I am working through it and I know the Lord will take it away. I need to let down my walls and let Him in because He is the only One that can heal me. 

"Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!" 

-Psalm 139:23