Bitterness.

A few Sundays ago we were talking about bitterness and how the way we treat others effects our relationship with the Lord. Automatically I thought that this message didn't apply to me and that it was just a good thing to know and remember for the future blah blah blah.

Then I really thought about it. I was holding onto bitterness in my heart. Bitterness over what happened 6 months ago. I hadn't really truly forgiven him. Yes, what he did was completely awful but I had no right to be bitter towards him. Too be honest, I was shocked. I hadn't thought about it, I was just living day to day and not truly acknowledging what had happened and my emotions had been bottling up inside me.

I was holding onto this bitterness and it was preventing me from truly getting close to the Lord. I knew right then and there that I couldn't get closer to the Lord without letting it go. Forgiving him for what he did. Realizing the Lord had it under control. I knew the Lord couldn't and wouldn't use me to my full capability if I didn't let this go. 

So since then I have been working on letting it go. Can I just say it has been harder than I thought? I thought that it was going to be a piece of cake. It had been 6 months since it happened, I haven't seen or talked to him in that long, & he is rarely a topic of conversation. Easy right? Yeah, wrong. I have thought of him every single day since that Sunday. All the memories we had together, the inside jokes, everything came flooding back. I know it's the enemy just trying to tear me down and bring bitterness in my heart. 

Part of me still questions why he did what he did when it wasn't called for. But I know I need to come to the point where I stop asking that question. Because as of right now, I don't have that answer and I probably won't get that answer ever. Besides, it is such a petty thing to be entertaining my mind. I shouldn't be focused on what happened, I need to be focused on my relationship with the Lord and sharing His love with the world. 

I always let distractions like this get in the way of getting closer to the Lord. Not intentionally, but somehow they always come up and I usually end up feeling like a fool. 

I think it is going to be a bit of a journey until my bitterness is gone, but I am working through it and I know the Lord will take it away. I need to let down my walls and let Him in because He is the only One that can heal me. 

"Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!" 

-Psalm 139:23