Free yet in chains.

Tonight I was able to go out to dinner with some great friends of mine. Whenever we get together we always have a great time. Just great food, conversation, and friends. I really enjoy it. 

Well near the end of the evening one of my friends told us how she had gone to a mormon church the previous Sunday for a dedication for her close friends child. She said she was sitting there in the service and was just overwhelmed with the fact that every single person in that building was lost. Completely and totally blinded by what their elders have been teaching them their wholes lives. They have grown up in a church, just like I had, and they believe that what they have learned is the truth. I am so grateful to have been born into a strong Christian family who has raised me to live by the Truth of Christ.

I did some research and there are over 13 MILLION mormons in the world. That is 13 MILLION people who are lost and without Christ. Every single one of those people will go to Hell if someone doesn't share the love of Christ with them. When I read that fact  my mind couldn't comprehend that. 

Here I am in America, free to believe whatever I want. I choose to believe the Truth because I know it's True. But there are so many more people over that 13 million who are lost. Yet I sit here day in and day out without a care for them. Yes I am polite and do have a love for people. But how deep is that love truly? If I loved them why wouldn't I want to share that with them? What a fool I've been! 

I know alot of people feel like they have to go out of country to be a missionary. & I definitely support that! I went on an out of country mission trip back in 2007 and loved every minute. I fully support any person who goes on a mission trip, no matter where it is. But I feel like my purpose is to be a missionary here. In my city. Loving on the people that I am surrounded by. 

I don't know if God will send me to another state or even to another country. But what I do know is that I am surrounded by lost people everyday. They need Jesus just as much as the people in Uganda, or Germany. Wherever. But I know that if I can step out of my comfort zone here at home I can do it anywhere. 

I want God to use me wherever He needs me. I want to share His love like there's no tomorrow. 

Uncertain.

The other night it hit me. Everyone is leaving. My sister is moving for 4 months & then is probably going back to school. My best friend is moving to go to Bible college in the fall. One of my best guy friends is moving to WA in June for school. One of my other friends in moving for the summer.
They are all leaving.
They have plans.
A goal in their life.
& I am here. Without a clue.
I don't know what I should be doing and where God wants me.

I definitely feel like school is not my calling, & I do have the strong desire to be married & have kids. But as of now I am single, & I know marriage won't be for a while.
Where does He want me? What is His will for my life?
I feel so lost & confused. I don't want to waste my life and get stuck in this cycle of life. Just doing the same thing day after day. I want to do something that will better the Kingdom and glorify His name.

I mean I go to work and church. I volunteer when I can. I hang out with my friends. Nothing exciting. I feel like I am not making the impact on this world that I could be. Yes, when I do things I do them to the best of my ability and do them for His glory. But I feel like I could be doing so much more.

I know in time He will show me, it just takes patience. But my human nature keeps taking over and I want to know. In time.

Done with the motions.

So today on my way to work I was thinking about everything that has happened in the last month or longer and all the time I wasted on something so meaningless. Something that made me happy, yet it didn't better the Kingdom. Not that what happened was sinful or something, but I wasted almost 3 months and I wasn't fully focused on God. 

While I was thinking about this, the perfect song came on the radio. The Motions by Matthew West. Here are the lyrics that hit home.

I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day

without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,

"What if I had given everything,

instead of going through the motions?"

And I realized that during those 3 months I was just going through the motions with Christ. Giving my all to this relationship that ended in disaster and heartbreak when Christ was longing for my all.  I am so glad I realize that now and I now want to stop going through the motions and what His consuming passion to be inside of me at all times. 

The amazing thing is, is that even though I wasn't consuming myself with Christ during that time I know God can put me right back on track and He is longing to take me back. 

Now, I am definitely not saying that I turned my back on my faith. I just wasn't putting Christ in the center of my life, and I know if I had been doing that my eyes would have been opened to the things that were happening. 

So even though my heart was broken, I am now turning this into something that can be used for God's glory. I am done going through the motions. My life is going to be consumed in His passion and desire to help this lost world. I want every area of my life to glorify Christ and to better the Kingdom. No matter what the cost. He gave His all and I want to give my all back to Him even though it is nothing compared to the gift He gave. I am forever grateful. 

Not torn down.

I really wish you would stop acting like you are the victim. I wasn't the one who lied about everything. I was the one who was hurt. You may have lost me, but that is nothing compared to what I have been through.

I also wish you would stop pretending like everything is back to normal. They aren't and won't be for a while. So show some emotion and deal with this. You running away and hiding behind your excuses is doing nothing. 

Stop using the things people have said about contacting me to not fix things. Use your head. I do need to hear your reasons for doing everything you did. Everyone knows that. So man up and do that. 

You are such a fool. The more I think about it, the more I realize how blinded I was. You did not treat me at all with respect and or as if you cared for me. How could I have been so dumb!? Or better yet how could you have been so dumb!

I don't think I am some amazing girl who deserves the world, but I do deserve more than you gave me. I am still human and have emotions. You can not still walk all over me and have control over me. 

I poured my heart into that relationship only for you to take everything I was giving and give nothing back.

How many times did I wait for you? Looking like a fool in the whole.

How many things did I pay for? You did take us out a few times, but I can assure you that I paid for more things. How many times did we use my car? How many times did I miss things with my friends for you? I changed my work schedule so we could be in a Bible study together. 

So many things, and I am only starting to realize them now.

My heart is still sad, but that sadness has started to fade and it is starting to turn into anger. How could you have done this to me? I didn't and don't deserve it. No one does. It makes me angry that you won't even respond to explain the things I need to understand. That is the very least you can do for me. Yet, you haven't done and the dare to say that you just don't understand the female mind. You do understand. Stop playing dumb.

I know you haven't changed, so this is it. I am done with you. We will never be together ever again. Maybe a long way down the road we could maybe be friends. But I can never be friends with a liar. You have been given time to change. You have lost your friends as well as your girlfriend, and yet you continue  destroying your life and the people in it. You are a fool and I have no clue what it will take for you to change. I have been praying for God to break you and for you to turn from your ways and start fresh. That's all I can do. 

This is my fresh start. I am not broken. I am healing. 

Healing.

God has been really working on my heart over this past week. He has been healing me and changing my desires. Even though it has been almost 3 weeks since my heart was broken, I can feel God comforting me in ways I never could have imagined. He has been speaking to me wherever I am at. He is so amazing it kind of blows my mind. 

I have been asking God to help me not hold any bitterness towards what happened and He has been faithful with that. Even though I am sad and I go through moments on anger, I have never been bitter about it. I know that God is in ultimate control and He has a purpose for the whole situation. That brings me so much comfort that I am almost calm about the whole situation. 

Tonight during worship we sang Better Is One Day and some of the lyrics hit me. 

My heart and flesh cry out

For You, the Living God

Your Spirit's water to my soul

I've tasted, and I've seen

Come once again to me

I will draw near to You

And it's so true. Even though the whole situation is completely awful and no one deserves it, my heart and flesh still cry out for God. I want to draw near to Him! More and more each day! The things life throws at me just make me want to get closer to Him and learn more about Him. What He suffered through is far worse than what I have gone through and will ever go through!

 

Also during worship Psalm 97:1-6 came to mind

"The Lord reigns, let the earth rejoice; let the many coastlands be glad! Clouds and thick darkness are all around Him; righteousness and justice are the foundation of His throne. Fire goes before Him and burns up His adversaries all around. His lightnings light up the world; the earth sees and trembles. The mountains melt like wax before the Lord, before the Lord of all the earth. The heavens proclaim His righteousness, and all the people see His glory."

When this came to mind it hit me, even though I already knew it. But God is in ultimate control and He cares so much for me. He reigns over the earth and tells it what to do. The mountains melt like wax because of His glory. What an image that is! Remembering that made me realize that I need to surrender this whole situation over to Him. Completely and for good. I can't change anything, I can only move on and continue to live for His glory. 

So this week has been an amazing week where God has showed me His steadfast love and amazing power. I am still humbled to think He would save someone like me, and yet I know His love for me is endless. That brings comfort to my heart and hope for the future. 

Broken down.

I never thought it would end. I honestly thought this was it, it would last forever. 

& if there was any thought in my mind as to how it would end, I never imagined it would end like this. 

My heart hurts so much. I can't even describe it. I have been mourning for the past 2 weeks over how it all came to a close. It was actually more of like a slamming shut. 

Everytime I hear my phone ring I hope it's you.

Everytime my phone vibrates, I hope and wish it's a text from you.

I still wish we could go out together after work. 

I wake up everyday hoping it didn't end. 

That it was all a nightmare.

& everyday my heart hurts just a little more. 

I never experienced the phrase of feeling so alone when you're surrounded by people until now. 

There are so many times when you come across my mind through the day. 

Out of habit I have wanted to contact you, but know I can't. 

I hate having to cut things out of my life because they remind me of you. 

I hate that I can't call you up and hear about your day and tell you about mine. 

It breaks my heart. 

I honestly don't know why my heart still longs for you. After everything you did and yet I want to be with you. I have been praying and pouring over the Word to find comfort in Him and He has started to heal me. I know it is going to be a long road and I don't want to start on the journey. I want to go back. Back to when things were honest and carefree.

My heart knows that you and I will never be like how we were. & that's one of the things that breaks my heart the most. I want to be apart of your life so much yet I feel like you didn't want me. I feel broken. Part of me wants to tell myself that over and over again so that maybe my brain will accept it and  let me cut you out of my life. Yet I can't bring myself to do it, even though that's how I truly feel. That you didn't want me. 

My mind never stops thinking about that awful night and everything that lead up to it. I know God will give me the peace about the results of that night one day, and I am hoping it's soon. 

I am praying for you. Don't ever forget that. 

Lost.

I am in a state of complete and total confusion. I don't know what to do and I don't know how to handle what's going on right now. I keep asking God to show me and give me wisdom on how to handle it, and yet I still feel lost. I know He is there and I know He will show me and it will work out.

I feel like I am being giving a million different opinions that I don't know who's to take and act out. Everyone wants me to listen to them and they all want me to pick a side. I can't choose. Why can't both sides just work together? Why do I have to choose? Can't they see that it just makes me happy. 

Why? Why? Why?

I know I just need to trust. Trust in Him and it will work. God will show His power and might to me in a marvelous way. 

Why is that so much easier to say than to actually do? I wish I had faith like a child. I get so caught up on the little things that I don't let God work. Well, He works. I just don't let myself see Him work. I blind myself. I'm blinded by others.

Lord open my eyes, let me see You. Help me Lord. I can't do this on my own.