Not torn down.

I really wish you would stop acting like you are the victim. I wasn't the one who lied about everything. I was the one who was hurt. You may have lost me, but that is nothing compared to what I have been through.

I also wish you would stop pretending like everything is back to normal. They aren't and won't be for a while. So show some emotion and deal with this. You running away and hiding behind your excuses is doing nothing. 

Stop using the things people have said about contacting me to not fix things. Use your head. I do need to hear your reasons for doing everything you did. Everyone knows that. So man up and do that. 

You are such a fool. The more I think about it, the more I realize how blinded I was. You did not treat me at all with respect and or as if you cared for me. How could I have been so dumb!? Or better yet how could you have been so dumb!

I don't think I am some amazing girl who deserves the world, but I do deserve more than you gave me. I am still human and have emotions. You can not still walk all over me and have control over me. 

I poured my heart into that relationship only for you to take everything I was giving and give nothing back.

How many times did I wait for you? Looking like a fool in the whole.

How many things did I pay for? You did take us out a few times, but I can assure you that I paid for more things. How many times did we use my car? How many times did I miss things with my friends for you? I changed my work schedule so we could be in a Bible study together. 

So many things, and I am only starting to realize them now.

My heart is still sad, but that sadness has started to fade and it is starting to turn into anger. How could you have done this to me? I didn't and don't deserve it. No one does. It makes me angry that you won't even respond to explain the things I need to understand. That is the very least you can do for me. Yet, you haven't done and the dare to say that you just don't understand the female mind. You do understand. Stop playing dumb.

I know you haven't changed, so this is it. I am done with you. We will never be together ever again. Maybe a long way down the road we could maybe be friends. But I can never be friends with a liar. You have been given time to change. You have lost your friends as well as your girlfriend, and yet you continue  destroying your life and the people in it. You are a fool and I have no clue what it will take for you to change. I have been praying for God to break you and for you to turn from your ways and start fresh. That's all I can do. 

This is my fresh start. I am not broken. I am healing. 

Healing.

God has been really working on my heart over this past week. He has been healing me and changing my desires. Even though it has been almost 3 weeks since my heart was broken, I can feel God comforting me in ways I never could have imagined. He has been speaking to me wherever I am at. He is so amazing it kind of blows my mind. 

I have been asking God to help me not hold any bitterness towards what happened and He has been faithful with that. Even though I am sad and I go through moments on anger, I have never been bitter about it. I know that God is in ultimate control and He has a purpose for the whole situation. That brings me so much comfort that I am almost calm about the whole situation. 

Tonight during worship we sang Better Is One Day and some of the lyrics hit me. 

My heart and flesh cry out

For You, the Living God

Your Spirit's water to my soul

I've tasted, and I've seen

Come once again to me

I will draw near to You

And it's so true. Even though the whole situation is completely awful and no one deserves it, my heart and flesh still cry out for God. I want to draw near to Him! More and more each day! The things life throws at me just make me want to get closer to Him and learn more about Him. What He suffered through is far worse than what I have gone through and will ever go through!

 

Also during worship Psalm 97:1-6 came to mind

"The Lord reigns, let the earth rejoice; let the many coastlands be glad! Clouds and thick darkness are all around Him; righteousness and justice are the foundation of His throne. Fire goes before Him and burns up His adversaries all around. His lightnings light up the world; the earth sees and trembles. The mountains melt like wax before the Lord, before the Lord of all the earth. The heavens proclaim His righteousness, and all the people see His glory."

When this came to mind it hit me, even though I already knew it. But God is in ultimate control and He cares so much for me. He reigns over the earth and tells it what to do. The mountains melt like wax because of His glory. What an image that is! Remembering that made me realize that I need to surrender this whole situation over to Him. Completely and for good. I can't change anything, I can only move on and continue to live for His glory. 

So this week has been an amazing week where God has showed me His steadfast love and amazing power. I am still humbled to think He would save someone like me, and yet I know His love for me is endless. That brings comfort to my heart and hope for the future. 

Broken down.

I never thought it would end. I honestly thought this was it, it would last forever. 

& if there was any thought in my mind as to how it would end, I never imagined it would end like this. 

My heart hurts so much. I can't even describe it. I have been mourning for the past 2 weeks over how it all came to a close. It was actually more of like a slamming shut. 

Everytime I hear my phone ring I hope it's you.

Everytime my phone vibrates, I hope and wish it's a text from you.

I still wish we could go out together after work. 

I wake up everyday hoping it didn't end. 

That it was all a nightmare.

& everyday my heart hurts just a little more. 

I never experienced the phrase of feeling so alone when you're surrounded by people until now. 

There are so many times when you come across my mind through the day. 

Out of habit I have wanted to contact you, but know I can't. 

I hate having to cut things out of my life because they remind me of you. 

I hate that I can't call you up and hear about your day and tell you about mine. 

It breaks my heart. 

I honestly don't know why my heart still longs for you. After everything you did and yet I want to be with you. I have been praying and pouring over the Word to find comfort in Him and He has started to heal me. I know it is going to be a long road and I don't want to start on the journey. I want to go back. Back to when things were honest and carefree.

My heart knows that you and I will never be like how we were. & that's one of the things that breaks my heart the most. I want to be apart of your life so much yet I feel like you didn't want me. I feel broken. Part of me wants to tell myself that over and over again so that maybe my brain will accept it and  let me cut you out of my life. Yet I can't bring myself to do it, even though that's how I truly feel. That you didn't want me. 

My mind never stops thinking about that awful night and everything that lead up to it. I know God will give me the peace about the results of that night one day, and I am hoping it's soon. 

I am praying for you. Don't ever forget that. 

Lost.

I am in a state of complete and total confusion. I don't know what to do and I don't know how to handle what's going on right now. I keep asking God to show me and give me wisdom on how to handle it, and yet I still feel lost. I know He is there and I know He will show me and it will work out.

I feel like I am being giving a million different opinions that I don't know who's to take and act out. Everyone wants me to listen to them and they all want me to pick a side. I can't choose. Why can't both sides just work together? Why do I have to choose? Can't they see that it just makes me happy. 

Why? Why? Why?

I know I just need to trust. Trust in Him and it will work. God will show His power and might to me in a marvelous way. 

Why is that so much easier to say than to actually do? I wish I had faith like a child. I get so caught up on the little things that I don't let God work. Well, He works. I just don't let myself see Him work. I blind myself. I'm blinded by others.

Lord open my eyes, let me see You. Help me Lord. I can't do this on my own. 

Time.

Oh how time flies. The first week of January is almost over already. I remember as a kid waiting all year for Christmas to come and about the first week of December the countdown would begin! Everyday seemed to drag and there was just too much time until the wonderful day of Christmas came. Christmas as a kid meant something different then what it means now. It was all about the gifts and Santa and all the wonderful food. It makes me happy and sad at the same time. Happy because of all the wonderful memories I have. Sad because sadly, that's what the world views Christmas as. Not as the season for celebrating the best gift the world could ever have. The gift of our Savior. 

This year Christmas was truly special for me. I really did put Christ at the center of my Christmas. It's what Christmas should be about. We always get so caught up with the things of this world, and since the world tells us we should be busy 24/7 around the Christmas season we end up going a little crazy. Between plays, parties, baking, gifts, wrapping, decorating, and who knows what else we end up forgetting the meaning and true reason for Christmas. It was nice this year to stop and remember the precious gift that was brought to this world that night.  

This past week in Sunday school we talked about how we always hold onto the things of this world and how we wrap our lives in the world. We don't surrender our lives to God because we feel that the world can satisfy us better than our Father can. How foolish are we! I find myself doing it everyday, and I don't even know for what reason. I know God can and does provide more than this world ever will. Yet I cling to it. By clinging to the world we tend to forget God and the will He has for our life. Like with Christmas. We forget our purpose here on earth. To go out and share the good news of our Savior. We fail time and time again, yet God still uses us. He wants to use us. It blows my mind every time I think about it. God is awesome and I just can't get enough of Him. 

I want Him to take this life and make it His. 

Thankful for the little things.

Oh fall. It's one of my favorite times of year! The cooler weather, the leaves changing, jackets, pie, family get togethers, thanksgiving, and did I mention pie? I just love everything about fall! Especially Thanksgiving. 

Even though I absolutely love this holiday, the other day something hit me. Why is it that we, as Americans, take just this one day to truly sit back and think of everything we're thankful for. We are blessed throughout the whole year. Every single day we are blessed, yet we only think about it on one day. Yes, I know. We all do sit back every now and then and are truly thankful for the people or things around us. But why don't we do that everyday? God has taken the time to actually care and love for us to bless us, and yet we can't even thank Him. 

I recently helped with my college class at church by putting together Christmas shoeboxes for children in other countries who don't have enough money to get a Christmas. We watched a video of the kids receiving these boxes and you should have seen the looks they had. They were so thankful and they looked as if they had been given the whole world. All over a shoebox that contained a handful of items. Items us Americans have and use every single day. How blessed we are, yet we take it all for granted. 

I want to start taking each and every moment I am given as a blessing. I want to be thankful for everything I have and the people around me. If a child in another country can be forever grateful over a tiny shoebox, I can certainly be thankful for everything in my life. 

God has been working on my heart for a while now, and He is truly teaching me how to be thankful for the little things. 

Words.

For the majority of my life, I have been afraid of the future. What it will bring, the people involved, and how it will change. I have never known why, but I have always had a feeling it could be because the future  is really unpredicted. Your life can change in an instant and never be the same. 

But all of that is starting to change. Some things happened recently that have started to make me excited and eager for the future. Especially the near future. I can feel myself opening up and breaking out of my shell and I think that is what is making me excited for the future. 

I have always asked God to show me where He wants me and what He wants for my life, and I think he is showing me. Part of what He is showing me is that there is no reason to be afraid, He knows everything about everything. He has the ultimate control and knows exactly what will happen in the future, therefore there is no reason for me to be afraid and worry. 

So from this moment forward I am going to do my best to break out of my shell, stop worrying, and give it all to Him. 

I guess this is just another side road on my endless journey to please and glorify Him. 

I can't wait. :)