Rain, Grace, & His love.

The past couple of weeks the weather has been amazing. The high has been between 75 and 85, so perfect. What's even more perfect is the fact that we have been getting alot of rain! Tonight we had an amazing storm. 

It started with a little bit of thunder and lightening, then a little bit of sprinkling. Not much, but I wasn't complaining. So Anns and I decided to go outside and enjoying the rain while it lasted. We were joking about how we thought God should open up the flood gates. Not even 5 minutes later after a few loud cracks of thunder and flashes of lightning, it began to rain. No, pour. Just this drenching rain that was probably one of the most amazing things I have experienced. 

I love everything about the rain! The cool feeling, the thunder, the lightning, the big black clouds, the way it smells, the rainbow afterwards, how everything looks clean when it's done. 

It's beautiful.

So as Anns and I are literally dancing in the rain, I realized that just like rain was pouring down on me, God pours out His love and grace on us. In every way shape and form. Sometimes, we feel like He just sprinkles it on us but then it pours. And we can't get enough of it. How awesome and mighty He is, and how He makes me speechless everyday. 

Just like the rain, I can't get enough of my Jesus. 

Distractions.

As usual an idea for a blogged happened while I was sitting in church. 

Last Sunday started off just like every other Sunday. Sunday school went well, except for the usual lack of talk. [I'm surprised I haven't blogged about that one yet] 

Then service started. Opening time, meet & greet, sing some songs, and then the sermon. 

Every week, without fail, as soon as Pastor Hoyt starts preaching people seem to lose focus. It starts off small with a few people trying to get settled with their papers and pens. Then a quarter of the way through people begin to get up and down. More papers rustling as well as one of the doors shutting. Then you have the cell or two go off about half or three-fourths through. Of course it wouldn't be a service without a baby crying during the service now would it? 

You might call me picky, or even negative at this point but here's my thoughts. 

Why do people feel the need to come to church and be a distraction? That may not be their intention, but it seems as if its the same people week after week who are causing a stir. Why are they not thinking outside of their personal bubble and thinking that they could be distracting others? 

I know, I know. We all have been a distraction at one point or another. But, have we have actually stopped and thought that we could be preventing others from doing something. Distractions are going to happen wherever we go, but you would think in church that there would be less. I would hope that we are all there to learn more about God and His will for His Kingdom. Sadly, it seems the opposite of that. 

Why are people not turning of their cell phones, putting their babies in the nursery, going to the bathroom beforehand, or fixing their papers? Why? 

I don't get it. 

I realize that I have indeed been one of those people. I hope that now that I am aware of what it does to me when people do that I can now focus on not being a distraction. I mean the whole meaning of a distraction is taking someone's full attention away from something. 

I just want to be able to sit down in a service and be able to actually focus on what's being preached. 

Callmecrazy.

I probably shouldn't be writing this, but I feel like I need to. 

It's been almost 8 months and you are still in my thoughts every single day. I don't know why, but it's like I can't push you out. 

I am no longer bitter about everything that happened, my heart still hurts and I don't know when or if it will fully heal. 

Something everyday reminds me of you or a memory we had together. It could be the slightest thing such as driving in my car or something someone says. I often think about that night and there are so many things I wish I could have said. But I know that the Lord gave me the words I said for a reason. 

I don't know if you are experiencing the same thing, and part of me wants to say you aren't. I still feel as if I was the one most effected about everything that happened. I doubt I will ever find out and that's probably a good thing. I don't think I need to know. Knowing would bring up more memories and the bitterness would come back.

I hope you have changed and let God take control in your life. He is still healing me and I know He can heal you too. What happened changed me and I know it was for the better. I have grown so much closer to the Lord because of it. I was relying on you and I needed to be relying on Him. 

Speechless.

Sometimes the things and people of this world leave me completely speechless. Well, most of the time. & you know what, God leaves me speechless pretty much all the time. 

Last Friday I was in a car accident and sadly it was my fault. I had just gotten off of work, it had been an insane day, and within 5 minutes I rear ended some poor guy at a light. The damage was minor, but since it was his sisters car he decided to give the cops a ring. So when they finally came out, the cop saw that the damage was minor and decided not to give me a ticket. What a praise! Then the guy who I hit, said that it was no big deal. We walked away on a good note. I was speechless. The Lord had provided a nice guy to hit (ha!) and a kind police officer. 

I knew (and still do know) that the Lord had it under control, and that He would guide me. 

Then my insurance company called me the next day, apparently Mr. Nice-guy-to-hit-oh-and-did-I-mention-he-owns-a-diamond-company-?- decided to claim injury. 

Speechless again. 

They told me to come down to their office so they could talk photos of my car, when they saw the damage they said that the chances of him getting any money were slim. THEN I get informed this morning that my insurance company decided to give him $700 for damages and (get this) $2,500 for injuries. Um, wait. What? Did his injury come out of no where? Because I am pretty sure it did. When I talked to my insurance later they said that he wanted more so they settled. 

First the guy acted like everything was fine, then magically received an injury. 

Speechless. 

I began freaking out. Will I be able to pay my insurance rates? Why would he do that? Why did this happen? Keep in mind, this was at work will I am trying to give customers their money and make deposits. (ha!) 

So as my mind is still whirling at work, my boss comes up to me and says did Jen (my assistant manager) talk to you? Let's just say I started to freak out more because usually thats not a good thing.

I was wrong.

Aka, story of my life. 

She then informs me that because one of the other tellers is quitting, they pushed for a 30 hour position to open up and then it was decided unanimously that I should get it. The Lord once again provided the money to pay for the increase in insurance. How blessed I am and how foolish I am for worrying. He said that he would care for the sparrows, and how much more important we are compared to the sparrows. 

Speechless. 

He is so good and faithful to me. & that's just one of the reasons why He leaves me speechless. 

I want to be radically different.

Last Sunday in class we were discussing our purpose in this world and how God has a plan for each of our lives, but when it all comes down to it the purpose is the same. Our purpose in this world is to go out and make disciples of ALL nations. No matter what the cost. 

One of the girls in the class said that we need to be cautious how we approach people about the Word. We don't want to seem like we are shoving it down their throats. But then my sister said something that really hit the nail on the head. 

We claim that the Lord is the most important thing in our lives and that the Bible is the absolute truth. The Bible clearly states that all who do not believe in Him will perish and go to Hell. They will die and will forever be in a world of suffering. Millions of people are lost and if we aren't going out and sharing His word with them, they are going to Hell.

Soooo why are we so concerned about offending people?! Who cares if they are offended! This is the most important message they will ever hear in their whole entire life, whether they believe it or not. We claim to be friends with people and we say that we agree to disagree about our faith with them because we don't want to lose them as a friend. But when you think about it, we value their friendship more than we value them. If we truly loved them we would do whatever it took to share our faith with them. 

I am guilty of doing this and it makes me so frustrated that I continue down this path. Why am I not taking every opportunity I have to share His love and word with people? People in foreign countries don't have the luxury of meeting together freely to worship and hear about His word. Here in America we are free to believe and say pretty much anything we want.

Why am I not taking the doors He opens for conversations with people? 

David Platt talks about this in his book, "Radical". I think everyone should read it. After reading it and going through that lesson on Sunday, I have realized that I am not being a radical believer. I am simply sitting in a church service and "soaking it all in". I am sick and tired of that. I don't want to look back at this life the Lord has given me and realized how much I wasted. I want to be running towards my Jesus, sharing His name along the way. 

This 

is 

my 

purpose. 

Here. For now.

So the time has finally come for the send offs to begin. The first left this past Friday, my sister leaves the 11th, and my best friend leaves the 19th. Then it's just me left here back home.

When I first realized that literally everyone was moving away, I was sad and I am not going to lie I was jealous. Why couldn't I go somewhere? I mean I could if I truly wanted to, but for some reason I didn't feel the calling to pursue something. The thoughts faded as time passed but then when everyone started getting ready to leave I began thinking about it again.

Should I pick up and move somewhere? Where would I go? What could I do there?

Then everyone kept telling me that I need to get out of this town, pick up and leave, this town is so awful, I am never going to find a husband here, there are no opportunities here, and on and on. 

I don't totally disagree with everything that they said. But when it came down to it, I feel like I am supposed to be here in Vegas. Yes other states are probably alot better than here. But just because they are all moving doesn't mean I have to. There are lost people here, just like there are all around America and the world. If I can't minister to my hometown how am I supposed to go into another state and do it? 

& to be honest, I think alot of the people who have told me to pick up and move think I am not thinking about my future and that I am just living day by day. But in all actuality I think about my future every single day. I want to make the right decisions and make sure that I am pursuing God's plan for my life. I know they want what's best for me, but that's not their decision. God has a plan for me and He will show me. 

I am for sure not opposed to moving away, but as for this moment in my life I know I am right where God wants me. I'm hoping they see that too. 

Bitterness.

A few Sundays ago we were talking about bitterness and how the way we treat others effects our relationship with the Lord. Automatically I thought that this message didn't apply to me and that it was just a good thing to know and remember for the future blah blah blah.

Then I really thought about it. I was holding onto bitterness in my heart. Bitterness over what happened 6 months ago. I hadn't really truly forgiven him. Yes, what he did was completely awful but I had no right to be bitter towards him. Too be honest, I was shocked. I hadn't thought about it, I was just living day to day and not truly acknowledging what had happened and my emotions had been bottling up inside me.

I was holding onto this bitterness and it was preventing me from truly getting close to the Lord. I knew right then and there that I couldn't get closer to the Lord without letting it go. Forgiving him for what he did. Realizing the Lord had it under control. I knew the Lord couldn't and wouldn't use me to my full capability if I didn't let this go. 

So since then I have been working on letting it go. Can I just say it has been harder than I thought? I thought that it was going to be a piece of cake. It had been 6 months since it happened, I haven't seen or talked to him in that long, & he is rarely a topic of conversation. Easy right? Yeah, wrong. I have thought of him every single day since that Sunday. All the memories we had together, the inside jokes, everything came flooding back. I know it's the enemy just trying to tear me down and bring bitterness in my heart. 

Part of me still questions why he did what he did when it wasn't called for. But I know I need to come to the point where I stop asking that question. Because as of right now, I don't have that answer and I probably won't get that answer ever. Besides, it is such a petty thing to be entertaining my mind. I shouldn't be focused on what happened, I need to be focused on my relationship with the Lord and sharing His love with the world. 

I always let distractions like this get in the way of getting closer to the Lord. Not intentionally, but somehow they always come up and I usually end up feeling like a fool. 

I think it is going to be a bit of a journey until my bitterness is gone, but I am working through it and I know the Lord will take it away. I need to let down my walls and let Him in because He is the only One that can heal me. 

"Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!" 

-Psalm 139:23