Jumping into the unknown.

I haven't updated in a while and figured it was about time. 

I feel as if I am slowly losing control of things. I don't know where I am headed in life, where He wants me, if I am in the right place, if I am doing everything I should be doing. 

I work full time and I love my job, but is the job that I am doing helping the Kingdom? Am I really doing the best job I can to reach the lost? Of course I know that I can be a witness to my coworkers and the customers I encounter everyday, but there are so many countries and people groups out there who have never heard.

My best friend came home from college about a week ago and showed me this website that shows all the different countries and what religions a country believes. I was speechless when I saw how many countries aren't Christian. I mean, I guess I have always know that there are lost people out there but I never truly thought about it. Whole countries are lost and not just a portion of it. Some countries are 99.9% of one religion. The country Mauritania is 99.8% Islam. India is 80.9% Hindu. China is 47.6% non religious. There are so many more countries that are lost. The website is here so you can see it for yourself. 

http://www.joshuaproject.net/countries.php?rog3=CH

We are living in a world where we can pretty easily jump on a plane and in a day or 2 be on the other side of the world. Where we can share the Word of God. Yes, sometimes we do have restrictions, but we are living in a pretty developed world and yet there are so many lost people still out there. The IMB has made budget cuts and have to bring missionaries stateside. That is completely mind blowing to me that we have to bring them home. We need to be sending people out by the boat loads. We need to be out sharing the Word here in the states. So many people lost and yet we have to bring people back.

 

I am guilty of being apart of not being 100% supportive of missions. I don't blink when it comes to buying a coffee from Starbucks or  new shirt, but sometimes when it comes to giving to missions I am a little hesitant. I have always had a heart for missions, but lately I feel like that part of my heart is fading. I don't want it to, I need to get it back. I need to throw myself into missions. 

So back to my original thought. What am I doing with my life to help the reach unbelievers? I know the Lord can use me wherever I'm at, and He might have me here for a reason. But I don't want to be helping my self before reaching and helping others. I feel as if I get so easily caught up in the things of this world that I lose focus on why I am here. To share His love. It's not about the money I make, or the car I drive, or what type of purse I have. I am here to bring Glory to the Lord and to share His love with the people. 

I am so scared of stepping up and letting it all go. But I feel as if that's where the Lord is leading me. I know He will guide me and equip me to do this. I know I am going to have to take this one step at a time.

Here. We. Go. 

Rain, Grace, & His love.

The past couple of weeks the weather has been amazing. The high has been between 75 and 85, so perfect. What's even more perfect is the fact that we have been getting alot of rain! Tonight we had an amazing storm. 

It started with a little bit of thunder and lightening, then a little bit of sprinkling. Not much, but I wasn't complaining. So Anns and I decided to go outside and enjoying the rain while it lasted. We were joking about how we thought God should open up the flood gates. Not even 5 minutes later after a few loud cracks of thunder and flashes of lightning, it began to rain. No, pour. Just this drenching rain that was probably one of the most amazing things I have experienced. 

I love everything about the rain! The cool feeling, the thunder, the lightning, the big black clouds, the way it smells, the rainbow afterwards, how everything looks clean when it's done. 

It's beautiful.

So as Anns and I are literally dancing in the rain, I realized that just like rain was pouring down on me, God pours out His love and grace on us. In every way shape and form. Sometimes, we feel like He just sprinkles it on us but then it pours. And we can't get enough of it. How awesome and mighty He is, and how He makes me speechless everyday. 

Just like the rain, I can't get enough of my Jesus. 

Distractions.

As usual an idea for a blogged happened while I was sitting in church. 

Last Sunday started off just like every other Sunday. Sunday school went well, except for the usual lack of talk. [I'm surprised I haven't blogged about that one yet] 

Then service started. Opening time, meet & greet, sing some songs, and then the sermon. 

Every week, without fail, as soon as Pastor Hoyt starts preaching people seem to lose focus. It starts off small with a few people trying to get settled with their papers and pens. Then a quarter of the way through people begin to get up and down. More papers rustling as well as one of the doors shutting. Then you have the cell or two go off about half or three-fourths through. Of course it wouldn't be a service without a baby crying during the service now would it? 

You might call me picky, or even negative at this point but here's my thoughts. 

Why do people feel the need to come to church and be a distraction? That may not be their intention, but it seems as if its the same people week after week who are causing a stir. Why are they not thinking outside of their personal bubble and thinking that they could be distracting others? 

I know, I know. We all have been a distraction at one point or another. But, have we have actually stopped and thought that we could be preventing others from doing something. Distractions are going to happen wherever we go, but you would think in church that there would be less. I would hope that we are all there to learn more about God and His will for His Kingdom. Sadly, it seems the opposite of that. 

Why are people not turning of their cell phones, putting their babies in the nursery, going to the bathroom beforehand, or fixing their papers? Why? 

I don't get it. 

I realize that I have indeed been one of those people. I hope that now that I am aware of what it does to me when people do that I can now focus on not being a distraction. I mean the whole meaning of a distraction is taking someone's full attention away from something. 

I just want to be able to sit down in a service and be able to actually focus on what's being preached. 

Callmecrazy.

I probably shouldn't be writing this, but I feel like I need to. 

It's been almost 8 months and you are still in my thoughts every single day. I don't know why, but it's like I can't push you out. 

I am no longer bitter about everything that happened, my heart still hurts and I don't know when or if it will fully heal. 

Something everyday reminds me of you or a memory we had together. It could be the slightest thing such as driving in my car or something someone says. I often think about that night and there are so many things I wish I could have said. But I know that the Lord gave me the words I said for a reason. 

I don't know if you are experiencing the same thing, and part of me wants to say you aren't. I still feel as if I was the one most effected about everything that happened. I doubt I will ever find out and that's probably a good thing. I don't think I need to know. Knowing would bring up more memories and the bitterness would come back.

I hope you have changed and let God take control in your life. He is still healing me and I know He can heal you too. What happened changed me and I know it was for the better. I have grown so much closer to the Lord because of it. I was relying on you and I needed to be relying on Him. 

Speechless.

Sometimes the things and people of this world leave me completely speechless. Well, most of the time. & you know what, God leaves me speechless pretty much all the time. 

Last Friday I was in a car accident and sadly it was my fault. I had just gotten off of work, it had been an insane day, and within 5 minutes I rear ended some poor guy at a light. The damage was minor, but since it was his sisters car he decided to give the cops a ring. So when they finally came out, the cop saw that the damage was minor and decided not to give me a ticket. What a praise! Then the guy who I hit, said that it was no big deal. We walked away on a good note. I was speechless. The Lord had provided a nice guy to hit (ha!) and a kind police officer. 

I knew (and still do know) that the Lord had it under control, and that He would guide me. 

Then my insurance company called me the next day, apparently Mr. Nice-guy-to-hit-oh-and-did-I-mention-he-owns-a-diamond-company-?- decided to claim injury. 

Speechless again. 

They told me to come down to their office so they could talk photos of my car, when they saw the damage they said that the chances of him getting any money were slim. THEN I get informed this morning that my insurance company decided to give him $700 for damages and (get this) $2,500 for injuries. Um, wait. What? Did his injury come out of no where? Because I am pretty sure it did. When I talked to my insurance later they said that he wanted more so they settled. 

First the guy acted like everything was fine, then magically received an injury. 

Speechless. 

I began freaking out. Will I be able to pay my insurance rates? Why would he do that? Why did this happen? Keep in mind, this was at work will I am trying to give customers their money and make deposits. (ha!) 

So as my mind is still whirling at work, my boss comes up to me and says did Jen (my assistant manager) talk to you? Let's just say I started to freak out more because usually thats not a good thing.

I was wrong.

Aka, story of my life. 

She then informs me that because one of the other tellers is quitting, they pushed for a 30 hour position to open up and then it was decided unanimously that I should get it. The Lord once again provided the money to pay for the increase in insurance. How blessed I am and how foolish I am for worrying. He said that he would care for the sparrows, and how much more important we are compared to the sparrows. 

Speechless. 

He is so good and faithful to me. & that's just one of the reasons why He leaves me speechless. 

I want to be radically different.

Last Sunday in class we were discussing our purpose in this world and how God has a plan for each of our lives, but when it all comes down to it the purpose is the same. Our purpose in this world is to go out and make disciples of ALL nations. No matter what the cost. 

One of the girls in the class said that we need to be cautious how we approach people about the Word. We don't want to seem like we are shoving it down their throats. But then my sister said something that really hit the nail on the head. 

We claim that the Lord is the most important thing in our lives and that the Bible is the absolute truth. The Bible clearly states that all who do not believe in Him will perish and go to Hell. They will die and will forever be in a world of suffering. Millions of people are lost and if we aren't going out and sharing His word with them, they are going to Hell.

Soooo why are we so concerned about offending people?! Who cares if they are offended! This is the most important message they will ever hear in their whole entire life, whether they believe it or not. We claim to be friends with people and we say that we agree to disagree about our faith with them because we don't want to lose them as a friend. But when you think about it, we value their friendship more than we value them. If we truly loved them we would do whatever it took to share our faith with them. 

I am guilty of doing this and it makes me so frustrated that I continue down this path. Why am I not taking every opportunity I have to share His love and word with people? People in foreign countries don't have the luxury of meeting together freely to worship and hear about His word. Here in America we are free to believe and say pretty much anything we want.

Why am I not taking the doors He opens for conversations with people? 

David Platt talks about this in his book, "Radical". I think everyone should read it. After reading it and going through that lesson on Sunday, I have realized that I am not being a radical believer. I am simply sitting in a church service and "soaking it all in". I am sick and tired of that. I don't want to look back at this life the Lord has given me and realized how much I wasted. I want to be running towards my Jesus, sharing His name along the way. 

This 

is 

my 

purpose. 

Here. For now.

So the time has finally come for the send offs to begin. The first left this past Friday, my sister leaves the 11th, and my best friend leaves the 19th. Then it's just me left here back home.

When I first realized that literally everyone was moving away, I was sad and I am not going to lie I was jealous. Why couldn't I go somewhere? I mean I could if I truly wanted to, but for some reason I didn't feel the calling to pursue something. The thoughts faded as time passed but then when everyone started getting ready to leave I began thinking about it again.

Should I pick up and move somewhere? Where would I go? What could I do there?

Then everyone kept telling me that I need to get out of this town, pick up and leave, this town is so awful, I am never going to find a husband here, there are no opportunities here, and on and on. 

I don't totally disagree with everything that they said. But when it came down to it, I feel like I am supposed to be here in Vegas. Yes other states are probably alot better than here. But just because they are all moving doesn't mean I have to. There are lost people here, just like there are all around America and the world. If I can't minister to my hometown how am I supposed to go into another state and do it? 

& to be honest, I think alot of the people who have told me to pick up and move think I am not thinking about my future and that I am just living day by day. But in all actuality I think about my future every single day. I want to make the right decisions and make sure that I am pursuing God's plan for my life. I know they want what's best for me, but that's not their decision. God has a plan for me and He will show me. 

I am for sure not opposed to moving away, but as for this moment in my life I know I am right where God wants me. I'm hoping they see that too. 

Bitterness.

A few Sundays ago we were talking about bitterness and how the way we treat others effects our relationship with the Lord. Automatically I thought that this message didn't apply to me and that it was just a good thing to know and remember for the future blah blah blah.

Then I really thought about it. I was holding onto bitterness in my heart. Bitterness over what happened 6 months ago. I hadn't really truly forgiven him. Yes, what he did was completely awful but I had no right to be bitter towards him. Too be honest, I was shocked. I hadn't thought about it, I was just living day to day and not truly acknowledging what had happened and my emotions had been bottling up inside me.

I was holding onto this bitterness and it was preventing me from truly getting close to the Lord. I knew right then and there that I couldn't get closer to the Lord without letting it go. Forgiving him for what he did. Realizing the Lord had it under control. I knew the Lord couldn't and wouldn't use me to my full capability if I didn't let this go. 

So since then I have been working on letting it go. Can I just say it has been harder than I thought? I thought that it was going to be a piece of cake. It had been 6 months since it happened, I haven't seen or talked to him in that long, & he is rarely a topic of conversation. Easy right? Yeah, wrong. I have thought of him every single day since that Sunday. All the memories we had together, the inside jokes, everything came flooding back. I know it's the enemy just trying to tear me down and bring bitterness in my heart. 

Part of me still questions why he did what he did when it wasn't called for. But I know I need to come to the point where I stop asking that question. Because as of right now, I don't have that answer and I probably won't get that answer ever. Besides, it is such a petty thing to be entertaining my mind. I shouldn't be focused on what happened, I need to be focused on my relationship with the Lord and sharing His love with the world. 

I always let distractions like this get in the way of getting closer to the Lord. Not intentionally, but somehow they always come up and I usually end up feeling like a fool. 

I think it is going to be a bit of a journey until my bitterness is gone, but I am working through it and I know the Lord will take it away. I need to let down my walls and let Him in because He is the only One that can heal me. 

"Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!" 

-Psalm 139:23 

Desires.

It's funny how the desires of your heart can change so drastically in such a short amount of time.

The other day I was thinking about where I was in life 4 years ago. I was working a ton & making good money, had flexible hours, was able to buy whatever I wanted, I had my license & a car basically whenever I needed one, all my friends were good Christians, & I never got into trouble. Sounds awful right? The desires of my heart were always the bigger & better thing. The people I worked for had a large house, several cars that cost more than I could fathom, their kids had everything under the sun. & I wanted that to be my lifestyle. It was my goal. To have the American dream.

Alot of people have that goal now in their life. Wanting the better thing, whatever they don't have they want. Always reaching for something and when you get it, you still aren't satisfied.

Then a few years later, about 9 months ago, I started a new job which was a pay cut. Less hours. More work. & retail. Let's just say it threw me for a loop. Yes, I still made good money but I started to see so many people who were striving to obtain these "things" that mean absolutely nothing. & I realized I was doing the exact same thing. I was buying stuff just because I wanted it for that split second in my life. & I have no clue why.

I didn't have some deep emotional issues that I tried dealing with by buying things. Or I had low self esteem & needed "things" to make me feel better. I was just doing it for no response. & now that I think about it, it makes me sick.

So after working at that job, the desires of my heart started to change. I no longer wanted the American dream. It seems useless & meaningless.

A friend of mine & I were talking the other day, & we both discussed that after you achieve the big house, fancy cars, A+ kids, what's next? What's the point of life? You do the same things day in and day out, for what purpose?

Don't get me wrong, I still waste alot of my time  money & meaningless things & I know I have a long way to go still. But now I know and realize that the point of life isn't to have all these things. Because it's all meaningless & not a single thing goes with you. We are here to share God's love and show His power through our lives. When the desires of your heart match up to the desires He has for you, He will bless them. We need to be continually seek Him and His will. 

I think it's so unfortunate that so many people live their lives trying to fill it with worthless things that continually leave them empty. I don't ever want to get stuck in that again. 

Truth.

So tonight I started reading Radical by David Platt. Woah. I literally read 7 pages and already had to stop and think for a minute. He said something that really hit me.

"I couldn't help but think that somewhere along the way we had missed what is radical about our faith and replaced it with something comfortable. We were settling for a Christianity that revolves around catering to ourselves when the central message of Christianity is actually about abandoning ourselves."

That's the problem with the American church today. We are so concerned about ourselves that we are missing the whole point of why Jesus came. He came to reach the lost, broken, abandoned, and hurt. To love them, unconditionally. To show them His love. 

I think alot of the time we tend to not treat people like actual people. Just because they don't have a job, a home, or haven't showered in awhile doesn't mean that we shouldn't love them. They are people and more importantly they are God's children. Just like you and I. 

This is my point of view and I am not saying every single believer out there is like this, but. I think alot of believers do the "believer" thing. Go to church on Sundays, hang out with strong Christian friends throughout the week, and maybe go to church on Wednesday nights. Now I am not saying anything is wrong with that, in fact I think it's great to do those things. But the problem I see, is that we just keep getting feed and we aren't turning around and feeding others. We are being greedy and selfish. We think that someone else can go serve the homeless, or go to a foreign country to preach the good news, or someone else can help clean up after the church function, etc. 

God has called us to go out and share His love! To every single person! Time is running out and the end is near. So many people are lost in this world, and we as the Church are sitting here not doing what we could be doing. So many people look at the Church, whether good or bad. Eyes are always on us! So shouldn't we be loving on the people that we encounter? Just pouring out unconditional love and helping in every way that we can?

Now I also think that so many people take this to the extreme. & what I mean by that is that people tend to sugarcoat Biblical truths and twist them to fit their lifestyles. Yes we should love people, even when they don't believe what we know and believe is true. But we are in no way allowed to change what the Bible says. The Bible is black and white. No grey areas! We, as foolish humans, make grey areas so we can justify what we do. We need to stop being so concerned about creating that warm fuzzy feeling for people in church. We shouldn't be concerned about whether our friends will accept us or the number of people we have in our church service. Christ didn't call us to be popular or to be liked. He called us to preach His word and to love His people. 

Just look at the life of Paul. First He was persecuting the Christians! Then he became a believer and went and spread the word. He was in jail who knows how many times. He was persecuted, and you know what? He didn't care! He continued to preach the Word and love on the people. He gave them the black and white truth. 

No more grey areas. Just black and white. & just unconditional love. Like the love He gives us. 

Realization.

Round 2 of goodbyes took place this past Sunday. Man, they just don't get easier. 

It's funny how you really take for granted the friendship you have when the person is always right there. Then when they pick up and leave, you kind of feel empty a little bit. You don't realize how attached you become to that person. 

When my sister left almost a week ago, it was really hard. I mean, it's my sister! She's been there since the beginning. I could always go to her if I needed help with something or just to talk. Now it's weird since she isn't right here. 

I thought that when she left it would be the worst of it. It would get easier as people continued to leave. Then Seth left. Waterworks galore. 

The impact these 2 people have had on my life is tremendous. Not only did they both help me back in February, but they have been such amazing examples of Christian character. 

My sister has always been an amazing role model for me. Whatever she did, she did it her absolute best and always seemed to have it under control. & she always was focused on God's will for her life. 

& Seth has been an amazing example of what I would want in a Godly husband. He is just so focused on God's plan for his life and what the future holds for him and his wife. I am so glad that God has blessed me with both of them in my life. 

Well the whole point of this isn't to boast about the people in my life (ha!) but it is because I realized how much I take for granted the people in my life. The people God has put right beside me to help guide me and shape me. I couldn't be more grateful. I realized that I should cherish the people in my life, because as life goes on we all might grow apart. & I want to look back and know that I really held them close.

& the more I think about it the more I realize how much I take God for granted. I mean I know He will always be there, no matter what. & because I know that, I think I tend to push Him to the side. If I am pushing the people who are "in my face" all the time, then for sure I am doing the same to Him. How awful that is.  

Even though everyone leaving is really sad and I will miss them all terribly, I think it is good in the sense that it has made me realize that I need to be treasuring my Savior. & I need to be focusing solely on Him and His will for my life. 

l o v e

So I read the book "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. Let's just say it was an amazing book and it definitely got my mind thinking. It talks about God's crazy insane love that he has for us. Not just me, but for the whole entire world. That thought right there still blows my mind. It also talks about how since God has this crazy love for us shouldn't we being pouring out that love to the people around us. It kind of stopped me in my tracks. 

I decided to look up the actual meaning of love. 

love

 noun, verb, loved, lov·ing.

–noun

1.

a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2.

a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

After reading that I realized that I haven't been pouring out love to the people I encounter. I don't care for them. My actions speak definitely louder than my words, and I know they are not matching to what God wants for this world. Every person I encounter was created and is loved by God. The same God I worship, love, and adore. I am supposed to be an example to the people around me, yet I get so wrapped up in myself that I forget the purpose of why I am here. To spread the Word of His name around and to love people. 

Between work,  church, and everyday life I encounter so many different people every single day. What kind of impact am I making? I don't want to just go on in this life being satisfied and get stuck in the same spot. I want to always have that desire to want to reach and help those in need. To love them and to truly care for them. 

I was blessed enough to grow up in a Christian family and have loving parents who shared the story of Jesus with me. So many people don't have that. They don't have someone who loves them enough to share that with them. How heart breaking that is! 

God submerges us in his love everyday and I know that I don't deserve it at all. But He gives it freely. No matter how many mistakes I make or what I do, He will always love me.

I want to share that love with the people I encounter. 

Unconditional. Never ending. True love. God's love.

"I believe He wants us to love others so much that we go to extremes to help them."
— Francis Chan

Free yet in chains.

Tonight I was able to go out to dinner with some great friends of mine. Whenever we get together we always have a great time. Just great food, conversation, and friends. I really enjoy it. 

Well near the end of the evening one of my friends told us how she had gone to a mormon church the previous Sunday for a dedication for her close friends child. She said she was sitting there in the service and was just overwhelmed with the fact that every single person in that building was lost. Completely and totally blinded by what their elders have been teaching them their wholes lives. They have grown up in a church, just like I had, and they believe that what they have learned is the truth. I am so grateful to have been born into a strong Christian family who has raised me to live by the Truth of Christ.

I did some research and there are over 13 MILLION mormons in the world. That is 13 MILLION people who are lost and without Christ. Every single one of those people will go to Hell if someone doesn't share the love of Christ with them. When I read that fact  my mind couldn't comprehend that. 

Here I am in America, free to believe whatever I want. I choose to believe the Truth because I know it's True. But there are so many more people over that 13 million who are lost. Yet I sit here day in and day out without a care for them. Yes I am polite and do have a love for people. But how deep is that love truly? If I loved them why wouldn't I want to share that with them? What a fool I've been! 

I know alot of people feel like they have to go out of country to be a missionary. & I definitely support that! I went on an out of country mission trip back in 2007 and loved every minute. I fully support any person who goes on a mission trip, no matter where it is. But I feel like my purpose is to be a missionary here. In my city. Loving on the people that I am surrounded by. 

I don't know if God will send me to another state or even to another country. But what I do know is that I am surrounded by lost people everyday. They need Jesus just as much as the people in Uganda, or Germany. Wherever. But I know that if I can step out of my comfort zone here at home I can do it anywhere. 

I want God to use me wherever He needs me. I want to share His love like there's no tomorrow. 

Uncertain.

The other night it hit me. Everyone is leaving. My sister is moving for 4 months & then is probably going back to school. My best friend is moving to go to Bible college in the fall. One of my best guy friends is moving to WA in June for school. One of my other friends in moving for the summer.
They are all leaving.
They have plans.
A goal in their life.
& I am here. Without a clue.
I don't know what I should be doing and where God wants me.

I definitely feel like school is not my calling, & I do have the strong desire to be married & have kids. But as of now I am single, & I know marriage won't be for a while.
Where does He want me? What is His will for my life?
I feel so lost & confused. I don't want to waste my life and get stuck in this cycle of life. Just doing the same thing day after day. I want to do something that will better the Kingdom and glorify His name.

I mean I go to work and church. I volunteer when I can. I hang out with my friends. Nothing exciting. I feel like I am not making the impact on this world that I could be. Yes, when I do things I do them to the best of my ability and do them for His glory. But I feel like I could be doing so much more.

I know in time He will show me, it just takes patience. But my human nature keeps taking over and I want to know. In time.

Done with the motions.

So today on my way to work I was thinking about everything that has happened in the last month or longer and all the time I wasted on something so meaningless. Something that made me happy, yet it didn't better the Kingdom. Not that what happened was sinful or something, but I wasted almost 3 months and I wasn't fully focused on God. 

While I was thinking about this, the perfect song came on the radio. The Motions by Matthew West. Here are the lyrics that hit home.

I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day

without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,

"What if I had given everything,

instead of going through the motions?"

And I realized that during those 3 months I was just going through the motions with Christ. Giving my all to this relationship that ended in disaster and heartbreak when Christ was longing for my all.  I am so glad I realize that now and I now want to stop going through the motions and what His consuming passion to be inside of me at all times. 

The amazing thing is, is that even though I wasn't consuming myself with Christ during that time I know God can put me right back on track and He is longing to take me back. 

Now, I am definitely not saying that I turned my back on my faith. I just wasn't putting Christ in the center of my life, and I know if I had been doing that my eyes would have been opened to the things that were happening. 

So even though my heart was broken, I am now turning this into something that can be used for God's glory. I am done going through the motions. My life is going to be consumed in His passion and desire to help this lost world. I want every area of my life to glorify Christ and to better the Kingdom. No matter what the cost. He gave His all and I want to give my all back to Him even though it is nothing compared to the gift He gave. I am forever grateful. 

Not torn down.

I really wish you would stop acting like you are the victim. I wasn't the one who lied about everything. I was the one who was hurt. You may have lost me, but that is nothing compared to what I have been through.

I also wish you would stop pretending like everything is back to normal. They aren't and won't be for a while. So show some emotion and deal with this. You running away and hiding behind your excuses is doing nothing. 

Stop using the things people have said about contacting me to not fix things. Use your head. I do need to hear your reasons for doing everything you did. Everyone knows that. So man up and do that. 

You are such a fool. The more I think about it, the more I realize how blinded I was. You did not treat me at all with respect and or as if you cared for me. How could I have been so dumb!? Or better yet how could you have been so dumb!

I don't think I am some amazing girl who deserves the world, but I do deserve more than you gave me. I am still human and have emotions. You can not still walk all over me and have control over me. 

I poured my heart into that relationship only for you to take everything I was giving and give nothing back.

How many times did I wait for you? Looking like a fool in the whole.

How many things did I pay for? You did take us out a few times, but I can assure you that I paid for more things. How many times did we use my car? How many times did I miss things with my friends for you? I changed my work schedule so we could be in a Bible study together. 

So many things, and I am only starting to realize them now.

My heart is still sad, but that sadness has started to fade and it is starting to turn into anger. How could you have done this to me? I didn't and don't deserve it. No one does. It makes me angry that you won't even respond to explain the things I need to understand. That is the very least you can do for me. Yet, you haven't done and the dare to say that you just don't understand the female mind. You do understand. Stop playing dumb.

I know you haven't changed, so this is it. I am done with you. We will never be together ever again. Maybe a long way down the road we could maybe be friends. But I can never be friends with a liar. You have been given time to change. You have lost your friends as well as your girlfriend, and yet you continue  destroying your life and the people in it. You are a fool and I have no clue what it will take for you to change. I have been praying for God to break you and for you to turn from your ways and start fresh. That's all I can do. 

This is my fresh start. I am not broken. I am healing. 

Healing.

God has been really working on my heart over this past week. He has been healing me and changing my desires. Even though it has been almost 3 weeks since my heart was broken, I can feel God comforting me in ways I never could have imagined. He has been speaking to me wherever I am at. He is so amazing it kind of blows my mind. 

I have been asking God to help me not hold any bitterness towards what happened and He has been faithful with that. Even though I am sad and I go through moments on anger, I have never been bitter about it. I know that God is in ultimate control and He has a purpose for the whole situation. That brings me so much comfort that I am almost calm about the whole situation. 

Tonight during worship we sang Better Is One Day and some of the lyrics hit me. 

My heart and flesh cry out

For You, the Living God

Your Spirit's water to my soul

I've tasted, and I've seen

Come once again to me

I will draw near to You

And it's so true. Even though the whole situation is completely awful and no one deserves it, my heart and flesh still cry out for God. I want to draw near to Him! More and more each day! The things life throws at me just make me want to get closer to Him and learn more about Him. What He suffered through is far worse than what I have gone through and will ever go through!

 

Also during worship Psalm 97:1-6 came to mind

"The Lord reigns, let the earth rejoice; let the many coastlands be glad! Clouds and thick darkness are all around Him; righteousness and justice are the foundation of His throne. Fire goes before Him and burns up His adversaries all around. His lightnings light up the world; the earth sees and trembles. The mountains melt like wax before the Lord, before the Lord of all the earth. The heavens proclaim His righteousness, and all the people see His glory."

When this came to mind it hit me, even though I already knew it. But God is in ultimate control and He cares so much for me. He reigns over the earth and tells it what to do. The mountains melt like wax because of His glory. What an image that is! Remembering that made me realize that I need to surrender this whole situation over to Him. Completely and for good. I can't change anything, I can only move on and continue to live for His glory. 

So this week has been an amazing week where God has showed me His steadfast love and amazing power. I am still humbled to think He would save someone like me, and yet I know His love for me is endless. That brings comfort to my heart and hope for the future. 

Broken down.

I never thought it would end. I honestly thought this was it, it would last forever. 

& if there was any thought in my mind as to how it would end, I never imagined it would end like this. 

My heart hurts so much. I can't even describe it. I have been mourning for the past 2 weeks over how it all came to a close. It was actually more of like a slamming shut. 

Everytime I hear my phone ring I hope it's you.

Everytime my phone vibrates, I hope and wish it's a text from you.

I still wish we could go out together after work. 

I wake up everyday hoping it didn't end. 

That it was all a nightmare.

& everyday my heart hurts just a little more. 

I never experienced the phrase of feeling so alone when you're surrounded by people until now. 

There are so many times when you come across my mind through the day. 

Out of habit I have wanted to contact you, but know I can't. 

I hate having to cut things out of my life because they remind me of you. 

I hate that I can't call you up and hear about your day and tell you about mine. 

It breaks my heart. 

I honestly don't know why my heart still longs for you. After everything you did and yet I want to be with you. I have been praying and pouring over the Word to find comfort in Him and He has started to heal me. I know it is going to be a long road and I don't want to start on the journey. I want to go back. Back to when things were honest and carefree.

My heart knows that you and I will never be like how we were. & that's one of the things that breaks my heart the most. I want to be apart of your life so much yet I feel like you didn't want me. I feel broken. Part of me wants to tell myself that over and over again so that maybe my brain will accept it and  let me cut you out of my life. Yet I can't bring myself to do it, even though that's how I truly feel. That you didn't want me. 

My mind never stops thinking about that awful night and everything that lead up to it. I know God will give me the peace about the results of that night one day, and I am hoping it's soon. 

I am praying for you. Don't ever forget that. 

Lost.

I am in a state of complete and total confusion. I don't know what to do and I don't know how to handle what's going on right now. I keep asking God to show me and give me wisdom on how to handle it, and yet I still feel lost. I know He is there and I know He will show me and it will work out.

I feel like I am being giving a million different opinions that I don't know who's to take and act out. Everyone wants me to listen to them and they all want me to pick a side. I can't choose. Why can't both sides just work together? Why do I have to choose? Can't they see that it just makes me happy. 

Why? Why? Why?

I know I just need to trust. Trust in Him and it will work. God will show His power and might to me in a marvelous way. 

Why is that so much easier to say than to actually do? I wish I had faith like a child. I get so caught up on the little things that I don't let God work. Well, He works. I just don't let myself see Him work. I blind myself. I'm blinded by others.

Lord open my eyes, let me see You. Help me Lord. I can't do this on my own. 

Time.

Oh how time flies. The first week of January is almost over already. I remember as a kid waiting all year for Christmas to come and about the first week of December the countdown would begin! Everyday seemed to drag and there was just too much time until the wonderful day of Christmas came. Christmas as a kid meant something different then what it means now. It was all about the gifts and Santa and all the wonderful food. It makes me happy and sad at the same time. Happy because of all the wonderful memories I have. Sad because sadly, that's what the world views Christmas as. Not as the season for celebrating the best gift the world could ever have. The gift of our Savior. 

This year Christmas was truly special for me. I really did put Christ at the center of my Christmas. It's what Christmas should be about. We always get so caught up with the things of this world, and since the world tells us we should be busy 24/7 around the Christmas season we end up going a little crazy. Between plays, parties, baking, gifts, wrapping, decorating, and who knows what else we end up forgetting the meaning and true reason for Christmas. It was nice this year to stop and remember the precious gift that was brought to this world that night.  

This past week in Sunday school we talked about how we always hold onto the things of this world and how we wrap our lives in the world. We don't surrender our lives to God because we feel that the world can satisfy us better than our Father can. How foolish are we! I find myself doing it everyday, and I don't even know for what reason. I know God can and does provide more than this world ever will. Yet I cling to it. By clinging to the world we tend to forget God and the will He has for our life. Like with Christmas. We forget our purpose here on earth. To go out and share the good news of our Savior. We fail time and time again, yet God still uses us. He wants to use us. It blows my mind every time I think about it. God is awesome and I just can't get enough of Him. 

I want Him to take this life and make it His.